Crazy

Coming off of an eating disorder is a crazy thing. I'm so much more aware of things. It doesn't make anything easier, but it's knowledge. And knowing is half the battle. 

I have been "off" the scale for weeks now. I am attempting to remove the feeling that the number on the scale is associated with my worth. I randomly decided to hop on yesterday afternoon. I'm not even sure what I was thinking. My clothes have been fitting, not getting tighter or really looser that I can tell. But the urge just overtook me. The worst thing, was that it was a late evening after I just ate dinner and had a big glass of water. Plus I was fully dressed. So, as you might imagine the number was higher than I wanted to see. I thought I could handle that. I thought I could walk away and use my brain. But no. I can't. I'm tied up in the numbers still. Without my even realizing it I binged. Number on the scale too high? Let's eat crap! And lots of it!  

In a minor victory, I recognized what was happening. And now I know a bit more about how to prevent it. Right now, for me, that means no more scale. I hid it away.