Not too shabby.

So my running goal, 600 miles in one year is well under way. I didn't start until January 3, took nearly an entire week off for broken arms and sickness but I will still come out at about 45 miles. I realize that is five short (600\12=50 miles a month) but good considering. 

I have been stress eating a bit this past week, but one thing has been different; I haven't eaten beyond normal satiety. Weird. My choices were wonky, but I stayed within normal calorie limits for my tdee (total daily energy expenditure). Now I just have to get back down to a slight deficit. And go back to losing again. 

I pray that happens soon. I struggle to remain calm about it. 

I'm trying.

I am trying so hard to not be angry that I have put on so much weight. I haven't weighed in a few weeks, and I know that's healthier than weighing each day. But I'm so frustrated that 20 pounds just came flying on so easily. Why do I feel my worth is so tied up with that stupid number. It's crazy. 

I'm doing my best to keep on keeping on. I'm behind on my miles still, thanks to my arm injury. But I am still working on catching back up little by little. 

The other day my daughter told me how big my muscles were. I said thank you, but inside I was struggling. I wish I could see me the way my kids do. Beautiful and strong. I realize my daughter sees herself that way too. When do we lose that?

I feel free

I know I am by no means cured, but I am in fact healing.  Admitting to the cyber world that I have an eating disorder was hard. However I feel amazing having done so. It's like having admitted it means I can now start the healing process. I haven't stepped on my scale in almost two weeks. That's amazing considering I used to weigh each and every time I went near the thing. 

Anything thing I have done is upped my calorie allowance. I know that seems backwards, but I've done quite a lot if research lately and that is where it led me. I have noticed since "allowing" myself more calories I have been more honest with my tracking. And I have not binged one time since. I feel better, more in control, and that is an amazing feeling. 

My arm is still recovering from being broken last week. It has made working out a bit more of a challenge but I've kept with it. Obviously I haven't done an amazing upper body work out, but I've kept at my core and lower body. I'm also trying to keep up on my running. I have a few miles to make up. 

All in all I would say this was a successful week. Let's see what this week brings me. 

What a Week

This has been an absolutely crazy. 

It started on Monday night when I broke my arm. A nice fifteen pound dumbbell fell onto my arm. It wasn't my smartest moment.  It's just a hairline fracture, so it should heal quickly. But the pain meds have left me in a groggy mess. I'm feeling better today, so I can stop taking them.  I'm a day behind on my mileage goals for this week, so I will have to make that up in the next few days if I am able. Getting into that sports bra one armed is.... Interesting. 

In other news, I asked my husband to hide our scale. 

Let me get this out there. I have an eating disorder. This disorder is made worse by the obsessing I do over the scale. Somedays I weigh myself 20-30 times. And I am so much more than a scale. 

Instead of focusing on that number, I plan to keep on working towards my running goals, eating within my calorie range, and adding more lifting to my regime. 

I have faith that those things will only add to my health. 

It's time for me to heal. 

I will weigh in once a month, then have the scale taken away again. I will be focusing on how I feel and how my clothes feel on me. 

Wish me luck. 

Week one

Well, I made it. My first week of blogging. It wasn't so bad really. 

I have been eating well, and I am right on track with my 600 miles in 2014.  It hasn't been difficult to get in my miles either. Plus I love that my goal is a fitness goal, not a weightloss one. Who knew. 

This week had some funnier moments- like the one when I got stuck in my sports bra. Good times. 

There was only one day when I didn't feel well. Fantastic. 

That's why I was slightly surprised when I weighed in yesterday morning. My weight remained exactly the same. Instead of being angry and eating all the food I just rolled with it. During the afternoon I noticed I was starting to cramp, which means only one thing. It's THAT time of the month. It all made sense. Hopefully I'll see the changes next Sunday. 

Nothing special planned this week. Boring weeks are good though- easier to stay in my routine. 

Co/op Day

Today was, as I mentioned yesterday, our homeschool co/op day. For the first time this year I feel like I handled it well. Started the morning with a bunch of protein. Made sure I drank all my water, stayed away from the snack table, and packed my own snacks. Boom. No headache. 

Thursdays have long been ice cream night for me and James. I don't want that to go away, so it won't. But instead of each of us eating a pint, we got one pint and shared a single serving.  Surprisingly that was enough. 

I also managed to get my run in today (gotta earn that ice cream). Total victory considering 1. It was James' day off 2. I was tired from co/op all day 3. I didn't want to do it. 

The Gist

As you can see it has been a few days.  Let me give you gist of what's been going on.  Monday was James' day off. Usually his days off are torture for me.  He eats and snacks all day! Lord I love him, but being married to a skinny guy is sometimes hard for me.  I managed to stay within my calorie goal however, which is fantastic.  Also a victory for Monday, was that I still went for my run.  Usually on his days off I take off too, but I actually WANTED to run.  Weird.  I also find it strange that I refer to them as MY runs.  

Yesterday was a crazy day.  I must have slept funny because I woke up unable to move my neck left or right.  The left side of my neck was injured a few months back, and still bothers me from time to time. So whe I slept wonky and made the right side of my neck sore it was ridiculous.  I must have looked a fool.  In addition to that, the arctic temperatures, no really -11 wind chills, left the metal in my ankle aching.  Yesterday made me feel old.  Old and decrepid.  

You can imagine my delight today then, when I woke with only my normal post injury pain in my neck.  Phew.  I seriously thought I was dying for like two hours.  Glad to say that I am not, in fact, dying.  Today was awesome because I was able to get our routine back.  Even though we have been back in school now for about a week, we sort of edged into it doing shorter days.  Today was really our first all the way back to the grind day. It was nice.  Busy, but nice.  

I had met most of my calorie burn goals (via the body media fit armband) by around 7pm, but still decided to get my run in.   That was a disaster!  A little over half way through my stomach started grumbling.  This is a new experience for me.  I'm no stranger to gas while working out.  It happens to us all, don't deny it... But this was a bit more than just gas.  I carried on for a few minutes before giving in and pausing the work out.  Luckily my bathroom is only a few feet from the treadmill.  

That was fun.

The worst part was that the pause function on my treadmill apparently doesn't last very long, so by the time I was finished it had turned off dumping all of my workout details.  I know I couldn't have been off the treadmill for more than two minutes before it shut off, after all, things were moving quite quickly...

That annoyed me (plus my stomach is still a little shaky) so I decided to call it a night.  I'm bummed that I didn't finish, but at the same time don't want to poop myself trying.  Just saying.  

Tomorrow should be another interesting day, it's our co/op day so  I am out of the house all day.  That's good because it keeps me from mindlessly snacking, but bad because I'm tired and grumpy by the time I get home.  I'm planning a late afternoon run to see if that helps things.  Hopefully I have the energy to pull that off.  

Not as Planned.

Look at me, checking in. 

Today did not go exactly as I planned. For part of my job I need to sit in front of a computer. I had an impending deadline to meet today, so that's where I spent my day. It took me longer than I expected to finish, so my workout time got away from me. 

On a good note, my food choices were not terrible! I did get absolutely ravenous around 9pm, but I had some popcorn and water. I'll take that as a small victory. 

This morning I weighed in at 225. I'm very discouraged to see that number. However I know I've got to own it and move on. That number means I have gained 27 pounds since September. It goes on much faster than it comes off. But now I've faced that demon.  Time to own up and not look back. 

Admissions.

For the longest time I have considered blogging.  Always writing a post here and there then pushing it aside like a pile of Brussels sprouts. I just assume that no one wanted to read what I had to write, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't blog for you, but instead for me.  

It is therapeutic for me.    Now, on to the meat of the post, if you will.  

My weight.  When I began my journey I weighed in at 274 pounds.  You read that right nearly 300 pounds.  I knew I needed a change. And change I did.  I began logging my food via myfitnesspal, and lightly exercising.  This served me well.  I got down to my lowest weight EVER: 198 pounds.  Then... I don't really know what happened other than I gave in.  We went to Disney World for a week.  Then it was Halloween.  We all know that is followed by thanksgiving, and finally Christmas.  I ate, and ate.  It got cold, and I stopped working out.  It was a total recipe for disaster.  I didn't completely give in per se.  I attempted to lose weight between each of these events.  I tried pills.  Drinking shakes. There was even an ugly month where I began binging and purging. Luckily for me, I saw the destruction there.  Plus I hate vomit.  All of this stressed me out, and unfortunately I am a stress eater.  My behavior was destructive, that stressed me out, so I ate more.  Smart huh? I haven't gone down that road for well over a month, and I have no desire to head back there.  Thank god for redemption. O

I have realized that food is not the problem.  I am.  No food is evil.  I can eat whatever types of food I want so long as I maintain a healthy calorie balance.  Here is my plan.  I plan to log my food again on myfitnesspal. Good bad and ugly.   Hold me accountable there.  I plan to log exercise 5 days a week.  Hold me accountable.  My goal for the year is to log 600 miles on my treadmill or running outside by December 31, 2014. Hold me accountable.  I will be weighing in once a week.  Hold me accountable. 

I am also going to do my best to check in here often, to help process things and write about whatever it is that comes to mind.  

Allons-y!